Post by Tanweth on Aug 3, 2004 15:10:07 GMT -5
A guy takes a trip for a short holiday. His wife is on a business trip that is ending the next day and she plans to fly down and meet him. When he arrives at his hotel he sends her a quick message. Unable to find the piece of paper on which he wrote her company e-mail address, he does his best from memory. Unfortunately, he doesn't get it exactly right and the message is routed instead to someone whose husband recently passed away. When the grieving widow opens her e-mail, she takes one look at her monitor, screams and faints. The message on the computer screen read: My darling wife ... just checked in, everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to us being together again. Your loving husband. PS It sure is hot down here.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
"Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those @$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,
"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They
say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank
and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed
her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have
been answered!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle,
all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists
for suggestions.
NASA responed with a one-line memo" "Defrost the chicken."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But
then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind
him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police
car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes & today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.
The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the
volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are
in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural Muncy Township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money"?
"Vell," said Max Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we
are going to do is fix the brakes on that fvcking truck!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October
1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of Newfoundland, and some
Canadians. The transcript was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a
collision
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: I say again. You divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU IMMEDIATELY CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
"Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those @$$holes deducted $95.00 in taxes."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,
"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They
say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring
your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank
and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed
her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have
been answered!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle,
all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of
the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on
the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were
made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken
hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed
it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the
engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the
cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists
for suggestions.
NASA responed with a one-line memo" "Defrost the chicken."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But
then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind
him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police
car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes & today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.
The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the
volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are
in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the nearby Jewish rural Muncy Township volunteer fire company composed entirely of menchen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine operated by this Jewish Fire Department passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Jewish old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Jewish old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Jewish fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money"?
"Vell," said Max Hertzfeld, the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we
are going to do is fix the brakes on that fvcking truck!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October
1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of Newfoundland, and some
Canadians. The transcript was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a
collision
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: I say again. You divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU IMMEDIATELY CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
YOU HATE ME!!!